I, like so many others, am a sucker for a flaky piece of pop-culture stupidity. I read gossip and men’s interest blogs (which is great because I am a man, you know!) and peruse the internet for style tips (which I ignore) and music tips (which I usually don’t depending on the source) so it comes as a bit of a surprise that any pop-culture blogs are saying something that, at its core, makes me angry:

Zooey Deschanel (right, of Weeds, Elf and She & Him with M. Ward) looks like Katy Perry (left, she of “I Kissed a Girl,” the only number one song at iTunes with a rating under 3).

The way people mention it, they make it sound like its a fact, some piece of common sense that seems to have evaded me. To quote Style Bakery [link], “Katy Perry, Zooey Deschanel and thisotherchickie (don’t worry about who she is, I didn’t include her in the piece because this is a music blog and that would have made it confusing) all have a very similar look. In fact, they kind of all look like the same person, don’t you think?”

No. I met Katy Perry at the Guys Choice Awards in LA. She’s cute and tall and is awesome. I could talk to her, see why people found her sexy, but Zooey makes me all “gooey” inside. I would stab a blind person to make out with her. I couldn’t be around her, I would blush and giggle and generally make an ass of myself.

That’s one way they’re different.

The Gimcrack Miscellany [link] is “astounded at how much these two broads look alike.” Aside from using an outdated colloquialism like “broads,” he made a point. I just don’t agree with it.

Look at the picture above. They have nothing in common! It’s like saying Charo and Pia Zadora looked alike because they were short, foreign and had breasts. I am pretty sure people made that mistake too, though.

Another way they are different: Katy Perry makes girls want to kiss her or their own friends [Evidence, these girls were all, obviously, listening to Katy Perry before this] and she wants to make out with Miley Cyrus [Evidence]. That’s kind of sexy. On the other side, Zooey makes my wife want to watch season two of Weeds in an old pair of boxer shorts and one of my college t-shirts. Yeah, and she’ll shush me and turn down my sexual advances, too.

“Hey baby, we should go do it,” is a great line, one that all women before her have fallen for. Zooey holds that kind of sway. She takes away my sexing abilities. That’s quite a difference.

Katy Perry is pretty normal. Zooey Deschanel only plays completely effed up characters, which leads me to believe that she is, by default, a little effed in the head. I wouldn’t kick her out of bed (in fact, I would probably smoke cigarettes with her and let her play with my hair), and Katy Perry would have kicked ME out of bed already.

“Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?” [mp3]

No they don’t. They don’t look anything alike! Stop it you lying damned liars!

“I Kissed a Girl” (Public’s McFly Remix) [mp3]

Seriously, if that doesn’t end the discussion, you’re all stupid. I made concise points that should end this once and for all. No more emails asking me if I think they are the same person. They obviously aren’t.

(Update: Because this is starting a bit of a backlash, I just want to put it out there that this was all in jest. They look totally identical, I was mocking myself and my usual tomfoolery. In fact, I hurt Brian at Gimcrack Miscellany with my “case of Alternative Complex. You know, the complex where you hate things that are trendy just because they’re trendy.” He should have just called me a jackass. That would have been more accurate.)

Last 5 posts by Shawn M. Smith

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