Credit: Charles Dharapak/AP

As most of you know, I live in Washington, DC. Well, I don’t live there, but I do work there. In fact, most people you encounter, when they say they’re from DC, just consider that it’s easier (and cooler) to say you’re “from” DC, as opposed to being “from” Arlington, or Alexandria, or Fairfax, or any of the countless small ‘burbs that cling to the outer rim of the District like baby pigs to the mother’s teat. It’s a small city. It’s not like we can cram the entire population of Northern Virginia into 61.4 square miles. I mean, we probably could, but it’d have to be for something extra special, like, I dunno, an alien landing, or, uh, the first black president, or something.

Exactly.

There are countless articles now in local DC publications practically begging our friends from the rest of the nation who plan on visiting for this historic inauguration to comply with some very local rules. It’s the sort of thing you see in the Spring when a new museum opens, or a new monument is unveiled, or whatever. It typically doesn’t matter, because people descend on this place every summer to the same result: crowded public transit, broken down escalators, lost tourists on the way to work carrying maps asking, “Where’s the White House” when they mean “Where’s the Capital”, etc.

So, I won’t waste your time here with that.

Here at Radio Exile, we pride ourselves on having a very specific group of readers. First and foremost, you’re music fans, which typically denotes some sense of self-awareness and a general tendency to be forward thinking. Save the one guy who asked us to all “die of AIDS” when we reviewed the Coldplay lawsuit, I’m pretty certain you’re all very nice people, and maybe even some of you are politically aware. I mean, who isn’t these days? Once Paris Hilton started chiming in, it was clear McCain had lost the election. About 2/3’s of the country sat up in their couches, knocking over their McDonald’s or Hungry Man trays, going, “What the hell, E!? Why didn’t you report on this earlier, E!?” And so it began. (Just wait till they find out who Billy Bush is related to. We might have our second revolution.)

Regardless, I’m sure some of you are coming to DC for inauguration. Instead of being an asshole and telling you what not to do, I’d like to give you a rundown of things to do, or, as I like to call it, a “fundown”.

Anyone?

OK, well, then, here are what I consider the Top 5 Places for Music Fans in DC If Nothing Terrible Happens During the Inauguration, Like a Biological or Chemical Attack Or Something, Who Knows, It Could Even Just Be Weather Related, 2009. Yeah, I might need a new name. Whatever.

The 930 Club, 815 V. St. NW – This historic rock club has its roots back in Chinatown, but was relocated when that area began its massive overhaul in the mid-90s. (Don’t quote me.) Ian McKaye of Fugazi owns the place, and the guest list for any concert includes everyone from DC’s elite all the way down to the poorest kid in Baltimore. Two floors, three bars, not including the basement bar, and a pretty hefty capacity. Tickets for their own Rock the Vote Inaugural Ball are still on sale, which is absolutely shocking.

The Red and The Black, 1212 H St. NE – Given that the streets will be packed anyway, it’s doubtful that you’ll have much trouble getting in The Red and The Black, due largely in part to the area this bar is in (Hint: Pop pop pop). Still, if you’ve made it this far without ramming a PEP needle into your thigh, and President Obama is sworn in without incident, thank your lucky stars and get to this dive bar before 11pm. Affordable drinks, fast and generous bartenders, and a light aroma of piss mixed with vomit make it the perfect haunt to discuss your Minus the Bear/Beck mashup disc and collection of ironic cookbooks your purchased from Urban Outfitters. Go… you.

Ben’s Chili Bowl, 1213 U St. – Hungry yet? Given that DC is keeping things running till 4:00am for inauguration week, all week (crazy, I know), you will be. Eventually. What better way to celebrate this life changing event than with what is, without a doubt, life changing chili? DC is a foodie town folks, but we also love our lower-intestine-destroying cuisine, as well. Be like Barack, and get the half-smoke. “We straight.” So awesome.

Iota Club & Cafe, 2832 Wilson Blvd., Arlington, VA - Don’t freak out people, it’s just across the river. Since the metro is running extended hours, you might even want to start out here Wednesday night, if you’re here for the whole week. And, by the way, our metro is color coded. There are no numbers involved, or letters, like some OTHER city just north of us. It’s got a fantastic open mic with talented people showing up every week to sing their hearts out. Save a few amateurs showing up and ruining the art (I’m being ironic), it’s a fun bar, with a kickass restaurant attached next door. That’s, uh, the “cafe” part. Want a sample? Mike Maloney runs the open mic, and everyone from Silversun Pickups to Fionn Regan have played here. It’s got some history, so be nice.

Rocket Bar, 714 7th St. NW - This is weird, because this bar started as a dive, and I didn’t dig it too much. But then it blew up last summer into at least four giant rooms, with pool tables, juke boxes, TVs, darts, and like, 5 bars, and I sort of fell in love. It’s a basement bar, with a unique beer list. But the reason I’m bringing it up here is because it’s the most accessible of the lot I’ve just provided you, in what is now the heart of DC’s working quarter, Gallery Place. It is also just blocks away from RFD, which is in strong competition due to its expansive beer list. But the sheer size and basement surroundings of Rocket Bar make it an excellent pick to celebrate our new President. Although you’ll probably be too busy running to the bathroom messing up your hair just so, or leaning up against one of the many cinder block pillars that line Rocket Bar’s interior, looking sad and bored. Go get ‘em, tiger.

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