By the time you read this, dear reader, it will be Monday morning and if the rumors are true there will be a new Radiohead EP waiting on your doorstep for you to take in and love. That is, unless nothing happens at all and the wild rumors flying around the internet are false. But when are internet rumors ever false? Rhetorical question, don’t answer that.

All this uncertainty is pretty rough on us reviewers. Here at Radio Exile we pride ourselves on getting our reviews out the day albums come out. As such we have prepared a review for this new hypothetical Radiohead release. True, we haven’t heard the release yet, or even know what it is if it even exists, but that shouldn’t stop us. Reviewers review albums without listening to them all the time.

So we did what we had to. We wrote the framework of the outline and provided options for all the unknowns. Think of this almost as a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Book, Radiohead style.

Here we go:

Well, it’s Monday morning and Radiohead [has/has not] released their new [EP, LP, DVD, book, Thom-and-Gwyneth porno, nothing at all those commie bastards]. Thank [God/Allah/Yahweh/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Jeff Mangum]. As with In Rainbows, much of the initial story was about the method of release rather than the music itself. Sure, [online download/carrier pigeon/teleportation] is a somewhat unorthodox way to deliver an album but hey, we [have/don’t have] a new Radiohead album today so who are we to complain? At least the price was [right/wrong]; at [free/$1/$2/$1,000,000] I suppose you can’t lose.

But what about the actual music? Much like the best Radiohead album, [The Bends/OK Computer/Kid A/In Rainbows], the songs [just plain rock/are quite complex and innovative/are experimental as hell/are very mature]. Of course, the first track the [original/cover] [entitled/of] ["These Are My Twisted Words"/"Single Ladies"] was an [obvious choice/really obvious choice] and it did not disappoint. The highlight of the release for me was the second track, ["Ice (Wall of)", "Selling Albums Is Easy", "Another Alienation Anthem/Talkin Dick Cheney Blues"] with its [complex orchestration/minimalist electronics/complex electronics/minimalist orchestration].

Thom’s voice [is awesome/continues its decline], as usual, on this collection of songs. Johnny Greenwood continues to prove he’s the [best and most innovative/most overrated] guitarist in rock today. The rest of the band proves to be [competent/incompetent], although Colin’s [Vivian Girls/Japandroids/Coldplay] shirt featured in the cover art was perplexing, at best.

[free-form user written paragraph including but not limited to full of psycho-babble, bizarre interpretations, inserting their own crazy theories into Thom's mouth, rants on how this album does not compare to OK Computer or Kid A, and general masturbatory love for Radiohead]

In conclusion, August 17th was a [great/terrible/average] day for music. We all [got/didn’t get] what we wanted. And in the end isn’t that what [matters/doesn’t matter]?

[mp3] Radiohead – “These Are My Twisted Words”

[SMS Edit: Conclusion: HOAX (that we ALL fell for.) GRRRRRR...guilty as charged for believing it, but we DID get new material.]

[Source Image: XKCD]

Last 5 posts by Tom Williams

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