Today is Christmas Eve (yay!) and tomorrow the Christmas-celebrating children of the world will wake to a home full of merriment and glee, will tear open presents and break out some brand new toys. In the spirit of giving (a little too bit information), I wanted to get a list of the songs that really piss me off the most this time of year. There’s some classic holiday standards and a few recent “reinterpretations,” but on the whole, there’s something here that should pretty much piss off just about anyone.

Young and old alike, prepare to check out the “Bah Humbug: The Holiday Songs I Hate”

Check out “Bah Humbug: The Holiday Songs I Hate” “after the jump”

My wife will swear up and down that I am just playing the role of devil’s advocate on this one, but having seen how Dr. Seuss’ legacy has been completely wrecked by Jim Carrey (eff you!) and Mike Myers (eff you!), I just can’t listen to this anymore. Also, when I was a child, I thought the repetition of the verse was cute. Now…it grates on me.

I still blame Jim Carrey.

“Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” by *N Sync

Okay, at NO point did I promise that the songs contained within this piece would be “classics”. In fact, this song used to not bother me at all. Many years ago, I might have even tolerated it because my kid sister was a big fan and making her happy meant that the family wasn’t totally miserable. Then, many years later, I was working at a record store in Upstate New York. Guess what was on EVERY Holiday sampler? Yup.

Eff this song. I blame Chris Kirkpatrick for my inability to enjoy this tune, as we all know that Justin Timberlake is this generation’s Michael Jackson.

“Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley

I don’t blame the artist for this one. In fact, I like Elvis more after having to listen to hours upon hours of his holiday music during those painfully long stretches of work at the previously mentioned record store. On top of feeling totally used, I was a manager who let his quirky-as-hell staff run all over him (think Empire Records meets High Fidelity). One of my employees, should he ever see this, is totally to blame for me hating this song. It makes me think of peg hooks and Used CDs and inventory and checks and theft and retail.

Eff all those things.

“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” by Band Aid

Another one of those tracks that I didn’t hate at all until so many of the participants in this video turned into huge bags of douche or creepy pedo-dudes. Okay, “pedo-dudes” isn’t fair because George Michael and Boy George didn’t touch children, they just like creepy sex with creepy men in creepy locations. Bob Geldof had a great idea to bring all his superstar friends together after the success of Live Aid. This was the resulting track and while there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas (dur!), nothing is douchier than the shot at 1:26 of Sting, Bono and Simon Le Bon (Duran Duran) singing together.

I am over this track. You mean to tell me that Morrissey was unavailable for this session? God, I hate pop sometimes.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey

If I am not mistaken, this comes during Mariah’s “I am married to Tommy Mottola and, thus, completely in the right with all my business decisions” which shortly preceded her “I am bat shit crazy phase” during which she was humping everyone. Yes, we know that I really can’t prove that she was humping people, but this saucy clip makes me mad. It reminds me of Sarah, who bought me the first Mariah album in middle school. She promised me a great deal of wonderful things that would blow my little 7th grade mind.

I blame Mariah for never getting that Beej. Damn you, Mariah.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by Jackson 5

There are far too many reasons that this song makes my list. The idea of my Mom smooching Santa is insane. Like, super, super gross insane. I would rather watch my Mom thrown off a warehouse roof Dexter-style than see that.

By the way, is Santa really Daddy? Did Daddy dress up for this occasion, just in case the kids woke up or is this just some “dress-up” thing that Mommy and Daddy are into. In the case of the above version, The Jacksons, I wouldn’t be surprised by either.

This song is warped and I blame Santa. He’s a pervert. Grabbing “cookies” and drinking milk, two weird metaphors for women.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” (Various Artists)

So many Christmas compilations have featured this tune, it is seen as a strong standard among the holiday set. After a more thorough look at the lyrics and history of the tune, you can see that there might just be far more nefarious things afoot. In the version above, the uber-horny, uber-skeevy Tom Jones tries to meddle his wait into a lady friend’s pants. He uses booze, music and cheesy come-ons to get some ass? Does it work? Read below.

“I simply must go – Baby, it’s cold outside
The answer is no – Ooh baby, it’s cold outside
This welcome has been – I’m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm — Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious – Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door – Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Gosh your lips look delicious”

Gross. Whomever wrote this song never meant for children to sing it, but they obviously know it. Christmas isn’t about sex, is it? It’s supposed to be about family and commercialism and Gap sweaters (and thermals). Whatever it takes, this track needs to go. It’s not THAT cold out ladies, but herpes does burn like a mother (or so I am told).

“Oh Come All Ye Faithful” by Twisted Sister

Eff you Twisted Sister. This is just wrong on a ton of levels. Not since Stryper said To Hell with the Devil has metal mad Jesus sound so, so awful. I hate you for this and this almost makes me mad enough to punch myself in the groin. I hate it.

“Same Old Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg

Ever bump into an ex lover long after you’ve both moved on? It’s pretty heartbreaking, right? Well imagine writing a Christmas tune about the last time it happened. Now also imagine, if you can, a world where people LIKE this song. We live in this world, people, as proven by Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Old Lang Syne”. After meeting his former sweetie in the grocery store, they enjoy a nice full of wonder and happiness, only to blow the ending and spoil the magic. Ugh. Such is life. Also, Fogelberg’s voice always bothered me a lot – it never sounds POWERFUL – but the tune didn’t need to be a downer. It is. It’s barely about Christmas at all, but it makes me furious. They got this one all wrong.

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