Any man worth his weight in “manly things” knows that sometimes getting a lady home is just the beginning of a wild night. Even with the right chemistry, you could still find a way to screw up a “sure thing,” so with a little help from this handy guide, you’ll know which songs you need to remove from your iTunes playlists or home audio equipment immediately. You don’t want to be thisclose to sealing the deal and have “Baby Beluga” pop on the stereo, do you? If you don’t have kids, that might be especially hard to explain.

With this in mind, please check out this amazing list, 8 Songs Not to Shag To

Yeah, I know you think it’s ironic to play things from your childhood and chuckle. Bastardizing your childhood at the expense of a dollar isn’t cool (see the upcoming G.I. Joe movie for a prime example) and playing a song to prove just how “funny” illustrates only one thing: you have a very small penis.

If, in fact, we’re wrong and you have a huge crank, this makes it worse. See, this song is really, really, really bad; it makes us all want to vomit sort of bad. You’re going to try and hump to it? At one minute long, it’s probably all of the sex you deserve. Nice choice, Jerk.

“Now we’re sharing the same dream?” Honestly, as a kid, I was sure this song was about a woman trying to enter this glorious nation and she knew that this man, Billy Ocean (aka “Caribbean Coyote”), held the key to her freedom. Look at that awesome hair. Look at the majesty of his amazing sweater. That’s a seriously boss sweater, fit for a Miami Vice villain. You know what, if you have to bring a little Billy Ocean into the bedroom, sign an 8 x 10 photo to yourself from “Billy Ocean”. If your partner asks about it, just respond with “I know the Oceanator and, yes, he is as amazing as he sounds”.

True story: parts of the set at the end of this video were used in Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors.

True story: I was going to make a jheri curl joke just a moment ago and pussed out.

Okay, this song has a lot of meanings for me. In college, I had a female friend that played this stupid song every day 20-30 times. Despite our repeated requests and attempts to hide the disc, she never really told us why she liked it and always seemed to have a back-up copy to haunt us with. There are so many sad, hidden messages in the lyrics of this song; some heavy stuff. Like most listeners, our friend probably think connected with only a line or two (“And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone”) and there is no reason not to feel that way, unless your father is a drunk you might be touching you late at night and you want to steal away into the night with your loser boyfriend. Good plan!

In the end, the reason this song “works” has a lot to do with human emotion and our necessity for connection: who doesn’t want to love, be loved and feel like they have a value bigger than what they ever imagined possible?

That being said, if a woman ever puts this song on before she “mounts Burt for cash,” you need to run the fastest you have ever run straight out for the door or nearest window. Sure, you noticed earlier in the evening that she was a little too hot for you. You just thought that you were “on fire” tonight, didn’t you? You had “Stetson power”?

No.

She’s just super, super screwed up. Believe me, you need to run. This song should not come on before, during or even just after sex. If you had sex that day and she tries to turn this on, you’re either very mean to her or you are blood related.

Either way, you need to knock it off.

Man, this one bugs me. This song is so slow that you might as well masturbate with a boxing glove and a tube of Ben Gay. If this tune is playing, you’re not going to feel anything while it’s happening anyway.

One of the very first times I “got…it…on” was to this song and, let me tell you, if you try and have sex to this, you will have plenty of time to ponder where you went just wrong. How did you end up in this terrible relationship? If she died, would it rain a lot? I sure hoped not. What if the condom broke? Would you really want to have this chick in your life forever? Probably not. Right around the 6 minute mark, you’ll want to pull out and feign an orgasm. No reason to stop now, sailor boy, pound away like the man you think you are.

…God, I feel dirty thinking about it.

I miss college.

I want to go on record as having said that the only thing I hear when I get to the chorus is this: “Don’t let your son go down on me?”

Really George, you randy pervert, I had no idea. Honestly, that whole “trying to buy sex from homeless drug addicts by the public restroom” thing was blown way out of proportion. What’s really freaky to me? You were hanging out with all these beautiful young super models and were considered “super cool” as a result. How many dudes did you lure back to your place convinced that Linda Evangelista was coming out of the bathroom “at any minute”. If anyone actually fell for that trick, they got what they deserved. You never leave the party with a strange dude unless the hot chicks are already in tow. If you don’t confirm that, you could be vampire food.

Find the woman at the bar that is singing along to this tune whilst two-fisting a bottle of tequila and a frozen Margarita, with a pack of Pall Malls and penis shaped lighter wedged between her breasts and you know you’ve found this town’s “down to party” chick. Want a surefire way to contract an STD? Follow this little lady into the bathroom. If you’ve never had that “pissing razor blades” feeling, you’ve never lived, right?

(Side note: if you want to be freaky, hire a midget hooker. They know what’s up, they’ll never care that you really have no idea what her name is or if you want her to sing that “Lollipop Guild” track from Wizard of Oz)

Listen: if you can get off to the sounds of an almost half-ton man singing with only the gentle strumming of a ukulele to accompany him, you’re a real piece of work. Honestly, this song makes me think of only two things, ER and UFC Champion BJ Penn. Remember that scene from ER where Dr. Mark Greene goes out to Hawaii to surf and die? This is that song. To this day, the 700 hundred pound Kamakawiwo’ole’s frosty falsetto vocals destroy my mind. I can’t listen to this song without wanting to cry. Crying is NOT sexy.

It was freaky as a Judy Garland tune and it’s just plain morbid here. Please…don’t…shag to this.

If you’re old enough to remember when this song “first came out,” you shouldn’t be allowed to have sex anymore. I don’t care if that only puts you in your 50s or 60s, you sex life is just plain icky and wrong, In fact, while you convinced your parents that the Wilson Brothers put out wholesome music with a non-offensive sound, I know what’s really going on here.

This song is about an intentional vehicular homicide.

“My buddies and me are getting real well known/Yeah, the bad guys know us and they leave us alone,” right boys? Maybe they’re staying away because you just killed their family and drove around town with their loved one’s remains dangling from your bumper, you sick bastards. “Buddy” is the 1950 version of “that angry, ugly slang word that white folks can’t say”. Buddy? Eff you, pal.

We know that the Beach BoyZ were all about three things: gang warfare, smoking chronic and hanging out with the Manson Clan.

As a point of comparison, the version of the song below is much, much better and illustrates the good times and wholesome attitudes that surrounded it’s creation. You should definitely have sex to this:

You can thank me later!

Like this piece? Hate it? Blame this: [Source]

The show is starting right now, so head over there [AT&T Blue Room] and listen along.

I wish I was there but I am not. Eff it. I am going to watch it from work and home all weekend. Take THAT, establishment!

Check out the full schedule “after the jump”

Friday, August 1st:
01:15 PM Holy Fuck
02:15 PM Rogue Wave
03:15 PM Yeasayer
04:15 PM The Kills
05:15 PM Gogol Bordello
06:15 PM Mates of State
07:15 PM Bloc Party
08:15 PM Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks
09:00 PM The Raconteurs

Saturday, August 2nd:
01:15 PM Margot & the Nuclear So So’s
01:45 PM The Ting Tings
02:30 PM Dr. Dog
03:30 PM The Gutter Twins
04:30 PM The Go! Team
05:30 PM Duffy
06:30 PM Jamie Lidell
07:30 PM DeVotchka
08:30 PM Explosions in the Sky
09:30 PM Broken Social Scene
10:30 PM Wilco

Sunday, August 3rd:
01:15 PM Kid Sister
02:15 PM The Whigs
03:15 PM Office
04:15 PM Chromeo
05:15 PM G Love & Special Sauce
06:15 PM Blues Traveler
07:15 PM John Butler Trio
08:15 PM Flogging Molly
09:15 PM Love and Rockets
10:15 PM The National

All times are in EST.

Get Show Info:
Lollapalooza on Twitter [Follow]
AT&T Blue Room on Twitter [Follow]

Find out more about the Artists at this year’s show [Artist Discovery Section]

Earlier today, the kindhearted folks behind AT&T’s Blue Room sessions released the performance schedule from this year’s Lollapalooza [link]. Yes, despite all the controversy surrounding last year’s Pearl Jam censorship/”where did Eddie’s comments re: Bush go”, AT&T Blue Room will again be broadcasting a number of this year’s weekends performances live, however, with the exception of Wilco, it appears that none of the biggest names will be participating in the webcast, which can be found here. Anyone caught complaining is a whining effer, as the first day alone is pretty clutch (with appearances by Holy F*ck, Rogue Wave, Yeasayer, Bloc Party, Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks, The Raconteurs, Mates of State and Gogol Bordello).

Check out the full schedule “after the jump”

Friday, August 1st:
01:15 PM Holy Fuck
02:15 PM Rogue Wave
03:15 PM Yeasayer
04:15 PM The Kills
05:15 PM Gogol Bordello
06:15 PM Mates of State
07:15 PM Bloc Party
08:15 PM Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks
09:00 PM The Raconteurs

Saturday, August 2nd:
01:15 PM Margot & the Nuclear So So’s
01:45 PM The Ting Tings
02:30 PM Dr. Dog
03:30 PM The Gutter Twins
04:30 PM The Go! Team
05:30 PM Duffy
06:30 PM Jamie Lidell
07:30 PM DeVotchka
08:30 PM Explosions in the Sky
09:30 PM Broken Social Scene
10:30 PM Wilco

Sunday, August 3rd:
01:15 PM Kid Sister
02:15 PM The Whigs
03:15 PM Office
04:15 PM Chromeo
05:15 PM G Love & Special Sauce
06:15 PM Blues Traveler
07:15 PM John Butler Trio
08:15 PM Flogging Molly
09:15 PM Love and Rockets
10:15 PM The National

All times are in EST.

Get Show Info:
Lollapalooza on Twitter [Follow]
AT&T Blue Room on Twitter [Follow]

Find out more about the Artists at this year’s show [Artist Discovery Section]

I’ve had this record for about three weeks now, and at no point in time did I not realize it was not available to other people. Reviewers aren’t really supposed to disclose that they have new material before the public gets it, but this was a record I talked about with others. I didn’t talk about it because it was excellent or anything; I simply assumed it had been commissioned to everyone who listened to new music in 2008, much in the same way Neon Bible had a year ago. And no, I’m not comparing the two. We Started Nothing is an average record at best, but not once did I think that was a deterrent for everyone in the know to have a copy.

The Ting Tings [Official Site, MySpace] are a band that seems destined to be in two places; an iPod ad, and blaring out of the CD promo truck that’s parked outside of every single concert in every single town. Yes, these hooks are poppy, but they don’t sear into your skull like quality pop. The entire album is in one ear and out the other, and this is because the lyrics say literally nothing the entire time. Take the lead single and current iPod prop table, “Shut Up and Let Me Go.” The chorus is as vapid and innocuous as any pop, and the message amounts to nothing. “I ain’t freakin/I ain’t faking this” seems like it might mean something, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t mean anything or say anything, and while some might say that a dose of emptiness is necessary and welcome in pop, but I want to at least wish that my girlfriend was hot like them.

We Started Nothing is predictably synth-happy, to the point where you have to question the human origin of some of the voices. The production is squeaky clean, which might not have been the best decision. I could almost forgive the Ting Tings for being so bland if there had been a little dirt on the track. The beats, while predictable, do lend a sense that they’re at least trying to make us move.

But maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. Maybe the Ting Tings are the result of the aughts-resulted cultural feedloop. Without any new ideas, we go back to ones that worked before in the hopes of attaining some leftover meat. The Ting Tings signal that we’re now reliving 1995, and they come across like a hipster Ace of Base with even less on their minds. On “We Walk,” they admit they’re in a place “Where nothing makes you feel good.” On “We Started Nothing,” they prove the cultural acceleration into oblivion by singing “If it’s been a whole day it’s time to let it go” in relation to losing either love or a soul or perhaps the login for their Twitter account.

Score: 2/5

That being said, here’s some stuff that trickled into my mailbox or stumbled blindly into my Google Reader account and I couldn’t ignore it. If music can be described with an appropriate flavor, this mix would still be just plain tasty.

In this week’s edition: Mates of State, Music go Music, Natural Snow Buildings, Ratatat , The Cotton Jones Basket Ride, The Kabeedies, The Pharmacy, The Ting Tings, This Will Destroy You, Twin Crystals, and Black Kids.

Come check out the Radio Exile mp3 Mixtape: Vol. 6 “after the jump”

Mates of State [MySpace]
“My Only Offer” [mp3]

Music go Music [MySpace]
“Light of Love” [mp3]

Natural Snow Buildings [MySpace]
“The Spears of the Wolf” [mp3]

Ratatat [MySpace]
“Shiller” [mp3]

The Cotton Jones Basket Ride [MySpace]
“Midnight Monday and a Telescope” [mp3]

The Kabeedies [MySpace]
“Sideburns” [mp3]

The Pharmacy [MySpace]
“Little Toys on a Shelf” [mp3]

The Ting Tings [MySpace]
“Shut Up and Let Me Go” [mp3]

This Will Destroy You [MySpace]
“They Move on Never Ending Tracks of Light” [mp3]

Twin Crystals [MySpace]
“With or Without You” [mp3]

Black Kids [MySpace]
“I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You” [mp3]

As always, the featured mp3s are for listening and sampling purposes only, and were posted with the intent of promoting great music. If an artist or label wants something taken down, email me at sms[at]insidepulse[dot]com and the song comes down.
http://radioexile.insidepulse.com/files/2008/04/remp3120.jpg